Well, after about 24 hours of trying to explain my DNF at the Broken Arrow 52km yesterday I have landed at the conclusion that I didnt follow my own damn rules. A little reflection…bear with me….maybe read on
Things have been quiet on this blog for awhile, but things have been quite busy and the training has been really good. In fact, considering how busy and spread thin I have been for me, I am really happy with only 1 (4day) misstep in my training in the last block. But that misstep was for a good cause, the #buildersforbuilders fund raiser. Could I have been more disciplined and got it all in? The answer is yes…but I made the choice not to….. “The Choice not to” I do these things for self exploration and really enjoy the act (the pictures are proof)
“I made the choice NOT to”
wow, that hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. After using the “physical” to explain away my dropping out at Broken Arrow I realized I did it again yesterday. I made the choice to NOT go out for my second lap. There was nothing wrong, I didnt break anything, I wasnt vomiting, I didnt have a fall… So why did I make that choice? My thoughts are this:
I trained really hard, Felt really good and accomplished from said training and dreamed of greatness for the Broken Arrow. From that mindset, I thought it was pretty much an automatic that the event would just be easy, flying, fast run in the mountains with stellar views with 300+ other awesome folks. I skipped the reality part where things dont go to dream script and the true fight required for these types of events escaped me. I failed to prep or have a plan for the true battle, the mental one. I struggled, things were not going the way I “dreamed” and I made excuses, physical anomalies (sarcasm) to justify quitting. The self talk on the way down to the 1/2 way point just disappoints me. I wasnt able to redirect and I crumbled. Using the negative self talk to “redirect the script” Is one of my go to things to preach to my athletes and I failed to do it myself.
All the way down I convinced myself how “dire” things had gotten and I had no choice but to drop out….it was a mystery….diet? blood sugar? altitude? lack of preparation? these ideas just poured out of me. At the aid station that marked the 1/2 way point, I was horrified to see my Coach, Brett Horning. No offence Brett, but you threw a wrench into my dropping out….for a few minutes. (in the future if a similar scenario arises, feel free to call me out on my bullshit and send me back out on course with some Vince Lombardy antics). I automatically felt ashamed that I had resigned myself to dropping out and your presence, which should be a welcome sight, was a subtle “calling out” inside my head. I apologize for not only pulling the plug, but running away and doing it out of sight… I couldnt even own it right there. Very weak of me and something I need to address
I need to embrace this experience. I need to take full advantage of it and own the fact that I could have with a little fight completed that second lap without harm to myself and with a pretty good time. I just ran away because it wasnt going the way I dreamed it would. What I really missed out on was seeing what was really waiting for me both physically and mentally on that 2nd lap. That experience, good or bad is what I am really interested in, seeing what I can do with my mind and body. The concept of a place or a time totally replaced the real mission. Making the choice to pass on the opportunity to self explore and push through discomfort on the unknown is the reality of my actions and I have to own that.
Hindsight is a real Son of a Bitch today, but I have to redirect and use the experience to make myself a better for next time.
So I will cherish this DNF and carry it with me as I head into TRT 50 miler in 5 weeks time.